Day 9: Hurts

GOAL: STEP ON THE TREADMILL
STATUS: COMPLETE

I walked for 0.1 miles for 4:33.

So, I showed my mom this blog for the first time today, and she read through it and laughed.

Not sure how I feel about that.

Granted, she's been on her own exercise journey. . . .

She also asked me where it hurts.

My response?

Where doesn't it hurt?!

Oh, you mean my toes that rub against my shoes, the little muscles in my feet, the constant charley horses cramping my calves (not sure if it's the gastrocnemius or the soleus, but somewhere in there), the burning in my thighs, the pinching in my hips, the rocks in my core, the tightening in my shoulders and upper arms, and the tension in my neck, jaw, forearms, and hands. Plus, the muscles I didn't know I used when walking... Sure there's the gluteus maximus and medius muscles and the hamstrings... but the gluteus minimus??? I swear that hurts the worst, and it's so, so, small, but unnervingly vertical.

Her reply?

So, you're saying it hurts everywhere. . . .

Yup, Mom. Pretty much. 

Pretty. 

Much.

NUMBER OF CONSECUTIVE DAYS WALKED: 0009
TOTAL NUMBER OF DAYS WALKED: 0009
TOTAL TIME WALKED: 54:44
TOTAL MILES WALKED: 1.0
MILES TO GO: 999.0 OUT OF 1000
TIME TO GOAL AT CURRENT PACE: 27 YEARS 128 DAYS 6 HOURS
TIME TO GOAL AT AVERAGE PACE: 24 YEARS 224 DAYS 23 HOURS 59 MINUTES 59 SECONDS

Day 8: Slow

GOAL: STEP ON THE TREADMILL
STATUS: COMPLETE

I walked for 0.1 miles for 5:13.

Today, I knew that we would be out of commission for most of the day, so I faced my trial early--before noon. 

That cost us five minutes 13 seconds of walking, plus some recovery time before we could leave the house.

In addition, due to the events of the prior week and how thrashed my body has been, I was slow preparing for the day, which cost us an extra 2 hours (doubling our preparation time).

I feel like everything takes me SO LONG to do...

And I spend most of that time thinking and agonizing about how long it will take and how tough it will be instead of doing it.

Argh!
NUMBER OF CONSECUTIVE DAYS WALKED: 0008
TOTAL NUMBER OF DAYS WALKED: 0008
TOTAL TIME WALKED: 50:11
TOTAL MILES WALKED: 0.9
MILES TO GO: 999.1 OUT OF 1000
TIME TO GOAL AT CURRENT PACE: 27 YEARS 129 DAYS 6 HOURS
TIME TO GOAL AT AVERAGE PACE: 24 YEARS 114 DAYS 21 HOURS 19 MINUTES 59 SECONDS

Day 7: Resigned

GOAL: STEP ON THE TREADMILL
STATUS: COMPLETE

I walked for 0.1 miles for 5:31.

I am resigned to stepping on the treadmill every day.

I am resigned to walking until I can't stand the pain.

I am resigned to the muscle cramps and whole-body aches.

I am resigned to working at my job with these distractions.

I am resigned to never feeling better.

I am resigned to the full-day tiredness, the exhaustion.

At last, I am resigned to sleep.

NUMBER OF CONSECUTIVE DAYS WALKED: 0007
TOTAL NUMBER OF DAYS WALKED: 0007
TOTAL TIME WALKED: 44:58
TOTAL MILES WALKED: 0.8
MILES TO GO: 999.2 OUT OF 1000
TIME TO GOAL AT CURRENT PACE: 27 YEARS 130 DAYS 6 HOURS
TIME TO GOAL AT AVERAGE PACE: 23 YEARS 342 DAYS 6 HOURS

Day 6: Wasted

GOAL: STEP ON THE TREADMILL
STATUS: COMPLETE

I walked for 0.1 miles for 6:25.

All day, I combatted my pain by thinking of pithy quips to post.

By the time I needed to head to the treadmill, I was practically delirious with whole-body tiredness... You know, the kind of tiredness that causes you to feel like you may not even have the energy to put one foot in front of the other, and that it wouldn't matter anyway, because you can't see your toes? The kind of tiredness that makes you feel like you are mentally wasted, dizzy, and on the brink of losing consciousness? The kind of tiredness that makes you feel like you want to fall into blissful slumber and never have to wake up?

Well, I walked anyway.

Then, I weaved up the stairs and passed out.

Without writing my blog post first.

Morning came too early.

NUMBER OF CONSECUTIVE DAYS WALKED: 0006
TOTAL NUMBER OF DAYS WALKED: 0006
TOTAL TIME WALKED: 39:27
TOTAL MILES WALKED: 0.7
MILES TO GO: 999.3 OUT OF 1000
TIME TO GOAL AT CURRENT PACE: 27 YEARS 131 DAYS 6 HOURS
TIME TO GOAL AT AVERAGE PACE: 23 YEARS 164 DAYS 16 HOURS 17 MINUTES 10 SECONDS

(Good thing blog post times can be set retroactively.)

Day 5: Wiped

GOAL: STEP ON THE TREADMILL
STATUS: COMPLETE

I walked for 0.1 miles for 5:10.

I originally thought I'd continue riffing about the aches and pains and ailments and other sundry intricacies of how I'm feeling, but I'm too tired.

My body is DESPERATE for sleep.

I walked anyway.

Desperation will have the last word on the day.

NUMBER OF CONSECUTIVE DAYS WALKED: 0005
TOTAL NUMBER OF DAYS WALKED: 0005
TOTAL TIME WALKED: 33:02
TOTAL MILES WALKED: 0.6
MILES TO GO: 999.4 OUT OF 1000
TIME TO GOAL AT CURRENT PACE: 27 YEARS 132 DAYS 6 HOURS
TIME TO GOAL AT AVERAGE PACE: 22 YEARS 292 DAYS 20 HOURS

Despera . . . ZZZ . . .

Day 4: Agony

GOAL: STEP ON THE TREADMILL
STATUS: COMPLETE

I walked for 0.1 miles for 6:45.

To the humiliation, sweat, perpetual aching whole-body soreness, drudgery, and dispair, we now add agony. 

Twelve- to fourteen-hour workdays without breaks have become writhing eternities of unending torment.

Now, I not only eliminate copious amounts of fluid when I'm on the treadmill, but I've started breaking out in cold sweats and chills whenever I think about the treadmill. 

Which happens two or three or fifty times a minute.

I've resigned myself to the task, but it nevertheless consumes every spare thought and intrudes on the not-so-spare ones.

Has anyone developed post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) about exercise?!  Not making light of PTSD or those who suffer due to facing much more serious threats--just trying to grapple with a much-less serious issue that is nevertheless causing me to seriously re-evaluate my life and my choices.

I'm wondering whether it ever gets better.

Seriously, does it EVER get better?!!!

The only glint of silver lining in this ominous, looming, ever-present cloud of darkness is that I walked more than a whole minute longer than yesterday.

Then, I drowned my sorrows in a bowl of cookie dough. 

NUMBER OF CONSECUTIVE DAYS WALKED: 0004
TOTAL NUMBER OF DAYS WALKED: 0004
TOTAL TIME WALKED: 27:52
TOTAL MILES WALKED: 0.5
MILES TO GO: 999.5 OUT OF 1000
TIME TO GOAL AT CURRENT PACE: 27 YEARS 133 DAYS 6 HOURS
TIME TO GOAL AT AVERAGE PACE:21 YEARS 325 DAYS 18 HOURS

Day 3: Pit

GOAL: STEP ON THE TREADMILL
STATUS: COMPLETE

I walked for 0.1 miles for 5:44.

If yesterday felt like the aftermath of a run-in with a Mack truck, today was the fallout of a brutal collision with a freight train.

Every fiber of my body felt torn, swollen, achy, crampy, and badly in need of rest.

I pushed fluids. I had vegetables and vitamins. I took a small amount of over-the-counter pain medication. I stretched.

My body and I are not in good shape, people. That much is clear.

I'm curious, does anyone else have spectral visions of Count Roogan seated nearby, intoning, "I just sucked one year of your life away. Tell me, how does it feel?"

True confessions, I took a nap. 

For an hour. 

In the middle of the day. 

Wrapped in a heated blanket.

And... I woke up feeling worse than I had before.

"Remember, this is for posterity, so, please, be honest."

I ranted to anyone who would listen about how utterly crappy I felt. I told my husband I didn't want to do this anymore... I give up... I quit.

Folks, the PIT OF DISPAIR is real!!!

After listening to me exhaust myself with complaining and whining and wanting to run away, he reminded me how much I wanted to keep my commitment to myself, and that all I need to do to be successful is to take one step on the treadmill.

Just one teensy itty bitty step.

I thought maybe I could do that. 

This once.

So, I put on my big girl gear, stepped in some tenny runners, and trudged my way begrudgingly to the infernal recesses of the downstairs to meet my adversary.

I stepped on him.

And I kept on walking. 

All. 

          Over. 

                    His.

                              Trash.

For 22 more seconds than yesterday.

Gotta celebrate the little victories.

NUMBER OF CONSECUTIVE DAYS WALKED: 0003
TOTAL NUMBER OF DAYS WALKED: 0003
TOTAL TIME WALKED: 21:07
TOTAL MILES WALKED: 0.4
MILES TO GO: 999.6 OUT OF 1000
TIME TO GOAL AT CURRENT PACE: 27 YEARS 134 DAYS 6 HOURS
TIME TO GOAL AT CUMULATIVE AVERAGE PACE: 20 YEARS 192 DAYS

Day 2: Pathetic

GOAL: STEP ON THE TREADMILL
STATUS: COMPLETE

I walked for 0.1 miles for 5:22.

Overachiever.

Not.

More like . . . pathetic.

The voice in my head is screaming at how sad an accomplishment my measly numbers are. 

Twenty years ago, I could haul booty up 20 flights of stairs without pause.

Eighteen years ago, I hiked to the top of Mt. Timpanogos.

Ten years ago, I walked three to five miles a day.

Five years ago, I could walk up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing.

Today? Why should I be excited about walking 0.1 miles in 5:22?

Well, I say to that voice in my head, because that's 5 minutes and 22 seconds of exercise I wouldn't have gotten otherwise. 

Plus, two flights of stairs. 

I had every excuse--lack of sleep last night, an early morning this morning, general exhaustedness from my CTJ meeting with a mack truck (the side effects of yesterday's oh-so-stellar exercise regimen and the subsequent lactic acid buildup), a 14-hour workday . . . 

DID I MENTION SORE MUSCLES?! 

I wanted so badly to sleep, to rest.

But I got on the treadmill.

And today, my friends, that is what VICTORY looks like.

TOTAL MILES WALKED: 0.3
MILES TO GO: TOO MANY TO COUNT

(Okay, fine.)

(999.7.)

Day 1: Sweat

GOAL: STEP ON THE TREADMILL
STATUS: COMPLETE

I walked for 0.2 miles for 10:01.

I would say I sweat like a pig, but I have it on good authority that pigs don't sweat--at least not much. They certainly could not compete with the rivers gushing from every pore of my epidermis.

To save face, I would love to claim that the sweating started late in that time period. *cough*

I would also like to claim that this was a breeze.

To be fair, the stepping on the treadmill part was a breeze.

Everything after that?

Not so much.

TOTAL MILES WALKED: 0.2
MILES TO GO: 999.8

The First Step

I'm staring at a blank page for this new blog, wondering what to write. The irony hasn't escaped me. My greatest challenge is not coming up with ideas or goals for my life--it's turning those ideas and goals into reality. 

Starting a business. Writing a book. Reclaiming my health.

A recent conversation with a friend crystallized my most salient issue: starting. 

The blank page yawns in front of me, infinitely tall, gaping wide. I'm overwhelmed by the thought of what could happen, the various paths I could take, the potential obstacles I might face, the chances for failure.

My friend--who has several years more experience, more time wrangling habits and harnessing inertia and facing fear--passed along some sage advice.

And that's why I'm here. 

Today. In this moment. Writing this post.

His advice? 

Set a goal to start. Start do-able. Start miniscule. Start embarrassingly easy. But start.

• You want to start a business? Set a daily goal to login to a business account.
• You want to write a book? Set a daily goal to write a sentence.
• You want to do 100 pushups a day? Set a daily goal to do one pushup.

Long-term, my desire is to reclaim my health. I have lived a sedentary lifestyle the past decade, and my body has paid the price. I get such little exercise on a daily basis, I'd be mortified to quantify it for the general public. I am the largest I've ever been, and other aspects of my health are starting to deteriorate as well.

I've procrastinated starting to exercise again. Every day, I offer excuses--I'm too tired, my work was too demanding, it's too late at night, I have too much to do, the gym is too far away, the weather is too bad to go outside, I don't feel safe going alone, I want to spend time with family and friends, life will get easier and less stressful later, . . . 

Excuses roll out of my brain easily.

Then, come the recriminations--the could haves, should haves, would haves. Their voices rarely leave me alone.

I don't need them.

My near-term aspiration? 1000 miles. If I walk a mile a day, that will take me roughly 2 years 9 months. If I walk more or less than that per day, the timeline will shift. I'm less concerned about the precise timeline than I am about walking the 1000 miles and about developing the daily habit of exercise.

As the adage goes, "the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step."

My daily goal? Step on the treadmill.  

(What can I say? I'm a literalist.)

Every day, just step on the treadmill.

I can do that. 

I don't need a pedometer or a trainer or people or machines pushing me harder or indicating I'm not good enough. Those will derail me.

I just need to step on the treadmill.

Today, September 22, 2019, I took that first step.